I live in New York City and when my landlord doubled my rent I got evicted and had to sell all my stuff.  I used the money to get real drunk and in the middle of the drunk I dared God to change me into a pigeon for a week.  Which he did.  My friend Rick who was slumped next to me at the bar also got turned into a pigeon and he was pissed.  In fact, he’s damned depressed about it since only last week his wife left him. 

Day Two

I’m standing on the street when some flailing bejeweled woman with tight blond curly hair grabs me.  She looks me over like an expensive vase then presses me to her chest.  She tells me her name is Minnie and she is going to save my life.  Minnie stuffs me into a purse which is shaped like a large loaf of Italian bread.

We take a white limo uptown to Minnie’s apartment.  She lives alone but says she would like a man, someone without back hair, preferably Turkish. Minnie asks me if I want to watch her take a shower.  I nod and try to say no.  It doesn’t seem to bother Minnie that I can’t speak.  Nothing against Minnie but I feel vulnerable because I don’t want to get stepped on.  I’m also keenly aware that I have no penis.

Later, Minnie lies down on the bed and drapes an eye mask over her face.  She grabs a silver sex toy which is also shaped like a large loaf of Italian bread.  Minnie tells me was designed by Michael Graves for Target.  Minnie sobs for a few seconds then shuffles into the kitchen.  I watch her sadly place the toy in the top rack of the dishwasher.  I have never had an apartment with a dishwasher.