My Life as a Pigeon - Day 1

I live in New York City and when my landlord doubled my rent I got evicted and had to sell all my stuff.  I used the money to get real drunk and in the middle of the drunk I dared God to change me into a pigeon for a week.  Which he did.  My friend Rick who was slumped next to me at the bar also got turned into a pigeon and he was pissed.  In fact, he’s damned depressed about it since only last week his wife left him. 

Day One

My first flight is okay but I stumble on the landing.  I’m in front of a fancy clothing store where a famous designer (skinny guy with big dark glasses) is wrestling with a fat girl who is demanding an autograph.  I nip the designer’s ropey calf which tastes like cookie dough.  The creep screams that he could have me killed.  I’m about to lunge for his eyes when I’m scooped up by a sweet guy named Jeffrey who takes me inside the clothing store which he says is his.  He points out a pair of sparkly jeans that are on sale for $450.  I rotate my head in outrage even though Jeffrey tells me the price includes my extensive alterations.     

I nap next to a dumpster until evening then fly back to the bar and hook up with Rick.  We get kicked out for loud squawking and flap it to this fancy hotel and land on their roof garden. It’s four in the morning but the place is packed.  Everyone’s dressed like cat burglars. We waddle under a few chairs and peek up the model’s skirts but, incredibly, this gets old.  I wonder if I’m ill. 

Bored, I flutter over to a table and listen to a guy tell some girl that he worked on Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.  The guy is Caucasian but he pronounces the movie’s title with a slight Chinese accent.  The girl’s eyes go wide and her hips start to shake.  I end the night perched on a ledge watching TV through a window.