Repopulating the colon of a loved one

Can you believe this shit!?  I haven't been able to relax since reading a smart magazine article published by (based on my awe-inspiring research skills) a big-time NYC mag place.  Anyway, it concerns this lady who got a whole new set of intestinal bacteria.  How does one remove the orginal?  But it is a sad thing, this colon in question.  She had severe diarrhea (had to look this up to spell it right) and had lost a bunch of weight.  So what happens?  She got a (wait for the shit) "fecal transplant."  Just writing this is making me faint which is sort of faint praise for the writer, right?  Anyway, the docs put put some of his poop in a blender (I'm gonna be sick!) and then hoovered it back into her via the back door canal or whatever.  (Idea:  get one of these then go to the airport and admit to TSA that you have some bubbly in your arse.) 

The worst part?  I was making a smoothie as I was reading this article and could not bring myself to drinking it (the smoothie).  Spent the day walking, checking out couples and wondering how you would broach this idea of "honey, would you like to shoot the shit--up my butt?  I have chills.

So, walking home after checking my football pool results with Jay-Z (a lie) and decided that I would like to review cars for the Wall Street Journal since I saw one in the trash and took it.  I called and they asked what car I wanted to review and I didn't know so had to hang up.  Went to car dealer and saw a nice one.  Big, new, silver Audi.  I went in and asked a salesman how much it was and other details and he smirked.  I said "I could pay you cash for this wreck right now. Ask Jay-Z " (a lie).  Finally, he gave me that thing, the short speech:  "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."  So I stood there because he was "going to" ask me to leave.  But he didn't!  But his boss did.   All I got was this and, sorry,  I was in a hurry:

Price as tested:  $115,000.  Comes with a house on a river.
32-valve V8 Juice with purple valves and saltines in the middle
Full-time AWD with fondue-dripped rims and vector rear seats with republicant oversteering
DVD sunroof with German Renaissance Florence with re-circulating smells of wallet.

I have to leave right now.